miracles two a penny

[alicornucopia]

Mial gets mail.

Mial gets a lot of mail. It starts out as a lot of mail and builds up to huge drifts of mail, as word spreads; if he doesn't stay on top of it, it may spill out the windows and start appearing in the soup while dinner is fixed and embed itself in the carpet under the sheer pressure of all the other mail.

People want their relatives back. It is mostly dragons who want this, but not exclusively. A number of vampires wish to know if the pontiff has been informed of all this or do they have to write him themselves. (Apparently they're concerned about the possibility of the pontiff being buried in mail but obviously have no such regard for Mial.) Dragons want to know how the possibility of future shrens has been addressed.

Some pixies in Gibryel have written to him about their political problems, unclear on the nature of the miracles available. Someone wants him to "fix Ryganaav". Finnah's egg father has written a rather sentimental letter imploring Mial to intercede with Finnah on the grounds that "it seems this would really take a miracle".

Someone wants him to eradicate south flu. Someone wants him to eradicate their son-in-law. Someone wants him to eradicate dust bunnies. Someone wants him to eradicate Sand Dusk Chanters. Someone wants him to eradicate an obscure parasitic illness of the tropics, and in case he isn't willing to do that, there are several pages of lurid explanation of the parasite's mechanism and anecdotes about people who didn't make it to adequately trained lights immediately. Someone wants him to eradicate nutritional yeast.

A lot of people want miracle teleportation powers. A number of people are concerned that conventional warding might not hold against miracle teleportation powers and want to know what he's going to do about that isn't he an Esmaarlan.

A substantial fraction of the world's dragon population seems to think that their variously heartfelt, scolding, or bewildered correspondence will be what convinces That Which Means To Eternally Plague Us With Shrenhood to do so less Eternally, perhaps this coming Saanen or something, he could have a little party, everyone could celebrate the final disappearance of that nasty family-destroying agonizing disease? Who would want to be a disease? The stunt has certainly gained attention but surely he has enough attention now?

He has a lot of attention now. Letters in assorted envelope colors with little flags on them pop into existence over the coffee table, hit the pile, and slide to the floor.

Comments

[thisvorlunatic]

Mial contemplates despair. Then he contemplates reforming the mail system.

Then he decides that he is coming at this problem from an insufficiently miraculous angle.

He pops over to Libby's miracle office for a quick consultation with her and Lazarus, then returns home and locates his mother and Finnah. (Avar is at work.)

"I'm going to temporarily remove our house from the ordinary flow of time so I can answer all this mail before someone drowns in it. It'll probably take several angles on the inside, but it should only be a couple of splits on the outside. Would you rather be in or out?"

[alicornucopia]

"Ooh, in, I want a nap before my shift," yawns Finnah, "have fun removing things from the flow of time."

[greatcomposure]

"I'll stay in, in case you want help deciding what to do with your miracles."

[thisvorlunatic]

"Right." He snaps his fingers. "Done. If you try to leave while time is still distorted you will bounce off the very obvious silver bubble. I'll tell you when we're back in real time. Wish me luck."

And he sits down at the pile.

[greatcomposure]

"Good luck," says Koridaar. She retreats to her office.

[alicornucopia]

Finnah shoos letters off the couch and flops onto it and closes her eyes. But she keeps tossing and turning and having to nudge hair out of her face, so she clearly isn't finding her nap particularly attainable.

[thisvorlunatic]

Mial sorts letters. He still has a pile of resurrection requests from his first attempt; he turns this pile into a neat little file-box with miraculously arbitrary depth. And starts another one for vampires who want to know if anyone has contacted the pontiff yet. And another one for people who want him to fix diseases, and another one for people who want him to fix politics.

(He glances at Finnah and decides not to even mention the letter from her father, but starts another box for 'people I want to be rude to but I haven't decided if it's a good idea yet'.)

...Against his better judgment, he actually reads the letter about nutritional yeast instead of merely glancing over it to figure out what box it goes in, because he is incredibly curious about why.

[alicornucopia]

Apparently nutritional yeast allergies are pretty common in halflings and this gentleman's daughter has had to be rushed to a light in an anaphylactic panic twice because her dwarven classmates won't stop putting it on their salads when they bring lunches to school.

[thisvorlunatic]

Well, that's... something. After a moment's thought, he re-categorizes the diseases box as 'Health Issues' and files the nutritional yeast letter there.

He gets to the letter about Sand Dusk Chanters.

He bursts out laughing.

[alicornucopia]

The letter is from a Thanetan (of course) who is very distressed that Sand Dusk Chanters keep being within the borders of Iraam. They are not allowed. It doesn't seem like they're substantially deterred by the fact that the government has made this very, often lethally, clear. So since they clearly all have a death wish he suggests that Mial just solve everybody's problems that way.

Finnah opens one eye. "What?"

[thisvorlunatic]

"Some Thanetan wants me to rid the planet of Sand Dusk Chanters," he snickers. "Because they keep being in Iraam. I'm torn between ignoring it and sending him back a pious response about the virtues of the Generous Lord."

[alicornucopia]

Finnah snickers. "Ask your mom what to do," she suggests.

[thisvorlunatic]

"Sure." He starts an 'Ask Mom' box, files the letter, and keeps going.

The next three are all from concerned dragons. He starts a box labeled 'Shren Alyemi', and says aloud, "At this rate I'm going to have to draft a form letter that's nothing but 'dear Name of Correspondent:' and then the word 'shrennaki' taking up the entire rest of the page."

[alicornucopia]

Finnah cackles. "That bad, huh?"

[thisvorlunatic]

"I quote: Do you know how upset my nephews were when I told them that finally all the shrens were gone, only to have to reverse myself on this the next morning? I hope you're ashamed of yourself, not just for being a shren, but also for being a despicable degenerate."

[alicornucopia]

"Are you ashamed of yourself for being a degenerate shren, Mial?" Finnah snorts.

[thisvorlunatic]

"I am ecstatically proud of my despicably degenerate shrenhood, thank you."

The 'shren alyemi' box gets divided into two parts, one labeled 'shrennaki', the other 'something less rude'. He files that particular letter on the shrennaki side.

The next letter is a reporter who wants an interview. He's surprised he had to dig this far to get one; he starts a new box for them immediately. He'll come back to those after he's made some decisions about how to handle the Health Issues and Resurrection Requests boxes.

Dragons concerned about future shrens get a box separate from the ones who are concerned about this particular shren; concern for future shrens is pretty reasonable, even if some of them could stand to be politer about it.

People who want some magic powers of their very own get a box - miracle teleportation is just the most common request, by no means the only. He can look through the interesting ones before the next third-siahr design meeting in case he wants to suggest incorporating any particularly clever notions. People who are concerned about the interaction of miracle teleportation with standard wards get a 'Ramifications of Miracles' box.



He really shouldn't read the Letters To Shren Alyemi past the point where he can reliably identify them, but he keeps doing it anyway.

[alicornucopia]

This one says I hope you aren't planning to breed. The fact that you've seduced legitimate dragons into associating with you by promising fancy magic unrelated to your core abhorrence is quite bad enough but if any decent person heard that you were risking contaminating children - of any species, let alone dragon children who'd have to live dawn to dusk with the knowledge that they were close to and could not possibly escape your 'miraculous' self - then they'd take it up with the social authorities, but I suspect this would just wind up with the social authorities being likewise entranced by the shiny presents you can conjure up, because you clearly consider yourself to be beyond all decency, all social order, and all reason.

[thisvorlunatic]

He drafts the form letter on the spot. He's no calligrapher, but he has miracles to help him translate his vision onto the page; the three syllables of shrennaki are laid out in beautiful fluid lines, set into a proper Reform Draconic word-oval, with an elaborate border in case they didn't draw enough attention by themselves. He attaches this template to the relevant side of the Shren Alyemi box, files the letter angrily, and moves on.

[alicornucopia]

"Do I wanna know?" asks Finnah.

[thisvorlunatic]

"Some fucking lizard hopes I never have children because I'd shren at them," he summarizes.

[alicornucopia]

"Fuck," breathes Finnah. "People suck, why do people suck so much?"

[thisvorlunatic]

"I don't know. And sadly, I can't fix it with miracles."

By comparison, the next Concerned Vampire Letter is a breath of fresh air. As is the letter after it, which gets an all-new box for Misc. Interesting Problems To Solve With Miracles: "Hah, someone wants me to rid the world of dust bunnies."

[alicornucopia]

"Ha. Do it," giggles Finnah. "Except for like five, which you should keep in the attic for ten years until museums want them because there are none any longer."

[thisvorlunatic]

"I will definitely do that once I'm finished sorting all this fucking mail."

The pile has shrunk noticeably since he started. He continues industriously on. Concerned vampire re: pontiff. Concerned dragon re: shren eggs. Concerned citizen re: miracle teleportation. Concerned parent re: offspring's forbidden spouse, eradication thereof. Another bloody Letter To bloody Shren Alyemi why does he keep being tempted to read these things.